As we saw in the Wild Card game on Wednesday, things can get heated in the playoffs. An inside pitch here, an angry glare there, and soon you’ve got punches. Fisticuffs. Headlocks. Shiners. And so on.
We don’t endorse baseball fights, and of course we don’t want anyone to get hurt, so this is all in good fun.
That said …
Let’s say the Cubs are involved in another skirmish this postseason. It could happen—the Cubs have already had some words with the Cardinals this year. Who should be the one to lead the Cubbie blue army onto the battlefield? We need someone to be our Hannibal crossing the Alps of the dugout rail, our George Washington fording the Delaware of the infield grass. Given the analytical nature of this site, we’ll take several elements into account—stature, weight, personality, etc.
Using the widely accepted TGWPGHAK (This Guy Would Probably Get His A** Kicked) method, we’ve eliminated the team’s slighter players. No offense, Tommy La Stella and Carl Edwards, Jr.. In the end, here are the top options:
(1) Anthony Rizzo (6-foot-3, 240)
Everyone loves Rizzo. He’s the team’s de facto leader, he’s good at baseballing, and he makes goofy videos with Kris Bryant. For example, see here.
Pros: Kicked the crap out of cancer as a mere 18-year-old; tried to take on the whole Cincinnati Reds bench last year. That’s ballsy.
Cons: Seems too darn nice to really go crazy and put the hurt on someone.
(2) Jason Hammel (6-foot-6, 225)
You may not realize it because he stands on a hill, but Hammel is one of those guys who could probably whup an ox in a scrum.
Pros: Big as a sumbitch, as my country relatives say. Did you see his face when Maddon pulled him in the fifth inning of the Giants game in August? Dude looked pissed. I wouldn’t want that combination of mean and mad coming my way.
Cons: Has a hamstring problem that has likely affected the second half of his season, which would likely mean the Chan Ho Park kick is off the table. With that move out of the rangy righty’s repertoire, we can’t recommend him for a ruckus.
(3) Kris Bryant (6-foot-5, 215)
DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH OUR SPECIAL DISNEY-SONG–SINGING SPARKLY UNICORN YOU SONS OF A… I mean, uhhh… We’ll just let him sit this one out. In the meantime, check out this Instagram of Bryant and his girlfriend singing along to Frozen.
(4) Jorge Soler (6-foot-4, 215)
With the ascendance of other rookies—Bryant “already has ‘superduperstar’ written all over him,” according to Jayson Stark, and Addison Russell is already one of the top defensive shortstops in the game—Soler has flown under the radar this year. But the beefy Cuban is built like a battleship and hits the baseball very far.
Pros: Clearly has no fear. Like Anthony Rizzo, charged the other team’s dugout. Also: is huge.
Cons: The unfortunately injury-prone slugger might pull a quad charging onto the field.
(5) Kyle Schwarber (6-foot-0, 235)
The brawny rookie has already made an impact with the team, playing a respectable outfield defense and endearing himself with nicknames like “Hulk” and “Schwarbeast.” Plus, there are the 16 homers he hit in 69 regular season games (and the monster blast that singlehandedly destroyed the Pirates’ hopes and dreams, completely with awesomely disdainful bat flip).
Pros: Farmboy strong, the Middletown, Ohio, native does things to baseballs that are illegal in 18 states. Would probably lead the Bears in touchdowns if he were the fullback.
Cons: Probably a little too young to lead the charge (he’s only 22), but a strong contender for a year or two down the road.
THE WINNER
David Ross (6-foot-2, 230)
The 73-year-old Ross might seem like an odd choice here. But the wily veteran would undoubtedly bring his cagey old-school ways and surprising old-man strength into any scrap (just ask Gatorade-punching Pirate Sean Rodriguez).
Pros: Other Cubs love/fear the 84-year-old backstop and want him on their side. When asked who he’d want at his back in a street fight, Jake Arrieta said this:
David Ross https://t.co/vI1anyyYIt
— Jake Arrieta (@JArrieta34) April 22, 2015
And as this Vine and this GIF (below) show, the team’s 91-year-old spirit animal is kind of a crazy person.
Lastly, the ageless Ross is a catcher. And catchers are inherently lunatics. End of story.
Cons: Might be too busy reading about the Old Country Buffet specials to hit the field fast enough to make an impact.
And there you have it. Don’t mess with these Cubs. David Ross will come and get you.
Lead photo courtesy Charles LeClaire—USA Today Sports.
Seems like Kyle Schwarber should at least get an Honorable mention here. Dude is a beast.
That’s a good point, Wax. Someone to think about for a sequel.
I added Schwarber. It felt incomplete without him.
This is awesome. I laughed out loud several times. A couple of points, though… Fowler was front and center the other night. He is a big dude, also.
Lastly… is Soler is 215 lbs, then I’m 150 pounds. And I an NOT 150 pounds. Soler more like 245.
They’re ALL big dudes — I had no idea. Almost every Cub is well north of 6-feet tall.
“Whoever threw that beer wants no part of Kyle Schwarber.”
I think Ross himself made the case for Schwarber to lead the charge. He’s certainly the one I’d be standing (hiding) behind.
I think this is dead on except for the fact that you are missing Arrieta, he didn’t back down when hit, in fact he was yelling at the pitcher. His beard, could destroy Everest, let alone Tony Saprano and the Cardinals line-up. And Schwarber is to much of a cluts, he’d hop out of the dugout duck from getting hit by a foul ball and slip before he can get to anyone.