Special to BP Wrigleyville: Thank You For Your Interest in My Baseball Team

In celebration of the Cubs-Brewers series this week, please enjoy this guest post by Travis Sarandos of BP Milwaukee and Disciples of Uecker. We think it will make you laugh.

There are many nice things one can say about the 2016 Brewers, the 48th iteration of the club founded in Seattle in 1969. For instance, none of their players have yet been directly responsible for the death or permanent disfigurement of another human being so far this season, every player has come into the game wearing both of his shoes, and everyone involved appears to be fully committed to wearing what had been sold to us as an alternate jersey before the season, but is clearly the beginning of a transition back to the ball and glove logo as Milwaukee’s primary look. They seem to be trying their best, and that’s very nice.

There are other things you can say about the Brewers this season as well. Those, well, are not so fun. Even after a refreshing stretch during which the rotation posted quality starts in five out of seven games, the Brewers starters still rank as the 18th worst rotation in major league history by ERA. The bullpen has seemed better only by comparison–their 4.15 ERA ranks 21st in the league and is only subpar, rather than historically terrible.

As such, the game plan for victory in Milwaukee has been to simply outslug their opponents: the Brewers are 4-18 when scoring less than five runs, and 12-4 when they get that fifth tally (the latter number seems impressive until one notes that their .750 win percentage in such games is far below the league average of .796). As difficult as it is to win games when the pitching staff is essentially spotting the opponent five runs per night, the Brewers have managed to do so on 16 occasions on the strength of a surprisingly effective offense.

Ryan Braun has been among the league’s 10 best hitters but most measures this season; Chris Carter ranks fifth in the majors with 11 dingers and has vastly outperformed Adam Lind, the man he’s replaced at first, in what has thus far been a best case scenario, and Jonathan Lucroy is enjoying the least surprising bounce-back season of all time, hitting .310/.373/.496 while also flexing a heretofore unseen ability to thwart would-be baserunners. They’ve gotten solid offensive contributions from other teams’ castoffs as well, cobbling together an offense that very quietly ranks 11th in the majors in OPS with the likes of Kirk Nieuwenhuis, Aaron Hill, Jonathon Villar and Alex Presley putting up decent, if unspectacular, numbers. I’ve started a Change.org petition to require that all future meetings between these two teams be played at Coors Field.

Thank you for your interest in my baseball team. If you are coming to visit me this week, please remember that we were kind enough to let you drink some of our beer for the low, low price of $8.50 per pour in our stadium that we were forward-thinking enough to put a roof on. In light of this, if you would kindly allow me the illusion that any game the Brewers and Cubs will play this year will be a home game for Milwaukee by keeping your traps shut when Rizzo takes Chase Anderson deep in the first inning tomorrow, I’d be forever grateful.

Lead photo courtesy Jeff Hanisch—USA Today Sports.