Zack’s Sack: A Wrigleyville Mailbag, Vol. 5

Welcome to this week’s edition of Zack’s Sack! We’ve got some fun questions this week, so let’s get right to it. And, as always, please submit your questions to me at @beersntrumpets on Twitter. As you’ll see, I’ll answer most anything.

“Which Cubs would have the most interesting conversation with Socrates, were he alive today?” — Mary Craig

I’m going to choose a combination of Jason Heyward and Kyle Hendricks. They’re intellectual players (I think Javy Baez would be a good choice too), and Heyward has the more interesting personality, lending himself to better conversation. Hendricks would be the hype man. I imagine it would go something like this:

HEYWARD: I am a better defender than this man; he fancies he catches flyballs, although he catches nothing—
HENDRICKS, HEYWARD’S FRIEND: **** him up, Jason.

“Why is a McCourt being offered an ambassador gig?” — @Darth_Stout

Didn’t you hear? Every ambassadorship is going to terrible, disgraced sports owners. Jamie McCourt to Belgium; Woody Johnson to the United Kingdom (to meet with Jeremy Corbyn, no doubt, who will immediately nationalize the New York Jets and rename them the London Roses); James Dolan to Ireland; Dan Snyder to Australia; Marge Schott to China; Tom Yawkey to Ethiopia; Donald Sterling to Mexico.

Oh, and Jeffrey Loria is now the ambassador to Canada.

“Which current cub would you most/least want to face off against during a bench clearing brawl?” — @ajlynch131

The most obvious answer is Jake Arrieta, who is built like a UFC fighter, and who would probably murder me with his beard. But I’m inclined to think that Anthony Rizzo would be a terrifying matchup: he’s huge, his thighs could crush my skull, and, despite his jovial attitude, he looks mean when he’s angry.

“when is the sack getting sent down to triple-a” — @StelliniTweets

The Sack has major-league talent, but it might need a little more time to develop. Another week or two of struggling like this and it’s being sent to Iowa for some seasoning.

That, or we’re keeping it down to keep the service time clock from starting. Sack’s got a strong union.

“If Tony Campana raced The Freeze around the bases, who wins?” — @BrennanCasey11

The Freeze is merciless. Mr. Campana, while fast, hasn’t played in the majors since 2014, and last year split time between the Nationals and White Sox’s minor league systems. This year, I have no idea where he is, and Baseball Reference can’t point me in the right direction. I’m giving this one to the Freeze. Dude’s ice cold.

“Hi Zack, who wore it* best: arrieta or baez?

*nothing” — Ryan Schultz

For those who somehow have not seen it yet, Javier Baez posed nude for ESPN The Magazine recently, for the rag’s annual Body Issue. He follows Jake Arrieta, who posed for last year’s edition, as Cubs to let it all hang out in print. Now, who aired their bats and balls to greater effect? Let’s break it down.

Arrieta’s shoot has reached classic proportions. His posterior has graced the internet almost daily since he unleashed it upon the world, the result of his classic, Pilates-sculpted body’s near-universal appeal. At the time, he was coming off his world-beating stretch of late-2015 and early-2016, when he tossed two no-hitters and generally made Clayton Kershaw look like Shawn Estes. Toeing the rubber, donning a bathrobe, talking about his mechanics—Arrieta exudes a brawny sexiness in the accompanying video, and it didn’t go unnoticed by Cubs fans and baseball fans alike.

Unfortunately for Jake, the shoot might have been the beginning of the end: since, he’s been very human, and his downfall coincides eerily with the publication of the issue. I’m thinking he’s cursed.

Baez’s shoot was much different. Although they both took place in the desert, the aesthetics and compositions of each are much different, as well as the subject matter of their conversations. Baez’s snippets of dialogue are more staged, while Arrieta’s were shot on location. The young infielder also discusses his personal journey over the past several years, including the loss of his sister, Noely, and how he has steeled himself against the emotional turbulence of a major-league life. It’s full of pathos; perhaps the concrete box in which Baez stands is a metaphor. Perhaps not. Its pathos is contra the logos of Arrieta’s conversation, and its emotional heft contrasts with the spartan quality of Arrieta’s desert shoot.

His smoldering stare that will grace the cover of the issue is the focus, though. He stands on the cover with the bat upright, rested against his forehead, World Series tattoo conspicuously showcased on his upper arm. He’s in a warehouse: it’s a Route 66 remnant, it seems, a juxtaposition of the Cubs’ newfound success with one of the strongest shorthand images for Americana in the visual lexicon.

Baez’s is better, and I think I detect a hint of bashfulness that isn’t present in Arrieta’s photos, reinforcing his photos’ superiority. 

Lead photo courtesy Dylan Zobel.